I Got Another One!!!!!!

            It’s an exciting thing to start taking hormones to begin one’s journey to become the person they are meant to be. I remember going into the doctor for my first shot being super excited and nervous all at the same time. I couldn’t believe that I was finally there about to have a needle thrust into my butt cheek and begin my journey of becoming a real boy! My anxiety over the pain of the needle, however, was overdone as it didn’t hurt much; it hurt later that night because I made the mistake of going home to take a nap right on the side I got poked but other than that, it wasn’t bad at all.

            I went into the doctor’s office for about three or four of my beginning testosterone shots. They do it themselves so they can monitor progress and make sure the dosage is okay. Every Trans person is different in their chemical makeup so sometimes the doctor has to adjust the dosage or even the type of testosterone given. My doctor put me on the maximum dosage, and I felt great. They taught me how to administer the shots myself and watched me do it twice before they gave me a prescription to do it myself at home. I was so scared to inject the needle the first six months of doing the shot. I knew the shot didn’t hurt regardless of where I put it, but somehow the idea of stabbing myself with a needle just blew my mind and scared me. Being a recovering cutter you wouldn’t think I’d have that issue, but I did. It was a mind over matter game for quite a while.

            My doctor had given me the first two shots in my butt cheek because of how it absorbs into the body and the glutes are bigger muscles, but I’m not very flexible and couldn’t reach around to my buttocks. I’m sure if I could, I’d be every gay man’s dream (almost). The other location for hormone shots is in the thigh. It is very important to learn how to do a hormone shot correctly if you go with injections. There are risks and complications that can occur if you don’t learn how to do it properly. My doctor was very thorough in teaching me, and I’ve taught several others, including my partner, so she could give the shots to me. The shots my partner gave me were very intimate and powerful; experiences I find difficult to describe due to such powerful emotions. Every shot was one step closer to becoming who I was meant to be, and I felt an intense high every time I took my T.

            So how do hormones work? Well, everyone is different so don’t expect the same dose or timing as each patient is monitored and adjusted as needed. I went with the injections for several reasons including that it is the most common in the United States and works faster in the beginning. My doctor started me at the maximum dose of 1ml every 2 weeks. My first shot was on a Friday, so I kept that schedule; still not sure if that was a good or bad idea since people at Myrna’s thought I was on Meth due to my crazy energy and then extreme mood swings. However, it seemed to work pretty well. Every other Friday I would take my shot in my thigh. It is very important that you learn the area and angle of the needle so you don’t puncture a major artery. My doctor divided my thigh into quarters and drew a dot in the top quadrant closest to me and to the outside. I was directed to create an Acute Triangle between my thigh and the needle; slightly less than a 90 degree angle to penetrate the most muscle.

            When it came time to take my shot I was very careful to keep clean. I usually took it right after my shower but either way, I always rubbed a large area on my thigh with an alcohol pad. I would then get out a new needle and open the package but keep the cap on. I took out the vial of testosterone and wiped off the top with an alcohol pad. Next came the fun part- I pulled back the syringe of the needle to 1ml and poked the needle head into the vial of testosterone. Tipping the vial upside down, I pushed the air into the vial and then drew out the yellowish, bubbly testosterone; it looked like thick gingerale. Because the needle is small, it takes a moment to get the full dose into the syringe, but I didn’t mind as I was mentally preparing to stab myself. Once the dose was in the syringe, I tap it to get the air bubbles close to the top of the needle and push the air out carefully.  That’s all the easy stuff. Now comes the part where your brain screams at you and your hand shakes: yep- time to stab that needle right in your thigh! It took me an average of ten minutes to do my testosterone shots once I got use to them but in the beginning it was more like twenty five to thirty minutes. I had to breathe and focus- there would be several fake attempts after counting to three but really I was just psyching myself out. The shot only ever hurt once and that is because I went in at a BAD angle and slipped; my leg was in pain for a week after that one. The good news is that it really doesn’t hurt, and the testosterone feels like a miracle drug as you feel it pass from the needle into your muscle. Almost like you can feel it starting to work and change your body the second it leaves the syringe.

            Just days after my first shot my voice had a few cracks and I had some darker hairs on the inside of my thigh. Some guys find the voice cracking embarrassing, but I knew what it meant so I was excited and laughed it off. As the number of shots increased, I could see more and more little changes and even feel them. It seemed that every few days I was discovering a new hair somewhere or darkening of my hair. I felt powerful and my muscles were growing even without working out. I oddly felt calmer than I had before. I didn’t seem to freak out at little things and took criticism better than I ever had before. Eventually this side effect would reverse for a time, and I would get major anger outbursts and sometimes violent mood swings that required me to take a drive and cool off.

            I was enjoying my transition. I couldn’t wait for my beard to grow in thicker so I wouldn’t have to wear makeup at the Diva Show. The first hair came in my sideburns which were already shaped and long like a man’s anyways. Hair started growing down my cheek bones and under my chin. My beard is now visible for the most part except for the top of my chin and mustache. I still only have peach fuzz but if I actually shaved my beard on a regular basis like I used to, I’m sure it would come in faster; I just like my beard too much to ever want to shave it off.

            Body hair began to show up sporadically on my thighs and my tummy. I was so excited when a tiny patch of peach fuzz started to grow in the middle of my chest. I always had a layer of peach fuzz anyways but when it started getting darker, thicker, and longer, I was thrilled. For the first time in my life I was excited about body hair. All through my teenage years I hated body hair and shaved my arms and legs every other day. My mother about passed out from a heart attack the first time she seen me with arm and leg hair. She didn’t understand how I wasn’t having a seizure being covered in hair. I laughed because she had always given me a hard time about shaving. My mentality about body hair actually changed with the testosterone, and I’ll admit that there are days when I contemplate shaving it all off to feel silky smooth again until I remember I’d rather be a fuzzy teddy bear. The back hair is the most annoying, and I wouldn’t mind that being ripped off.

            Growing the body and facial hair can be a pain at times because it doesn’t just come in all at once or in nice patterns. It comes a little bit at a time and slowly. I’m two and a half years into my transition, and I have a long way to go until everything fills out. My back has the most work needed. It’s very sporadic in long, dark hairs and some patches of peach fuzz. Most of the back hair you can see is up by my shoulders. My chest and stomach have more hair and thicker areas but the amount of surface area covered is still small. By looking at me, one would see a lightly hairy thirteen year old boy. The worst part about the chest hair is the ingrown hairs that occur on the boarder of my skin and areola. I can’t wait to have my chest reconstruction so everything is just flat and there’s no maneuvering around hanging flabs of annoying tissue and fat. I’m pretty sure that having to wear a binder all day, every day, doesn’t help with the ingrown hair problem. This brings me to another issue…

            BEWARE THE SWEAT! Watch your body and the changes that occur. As a female I had a hard time sweating. I had very few problems with acne and even being in a sauna didn’t cause me to sweat much. Now, oh man watch out! I can be at my desk and be warm and start sweating. It’s insane! I am always sweating which causes more acne issues. I HIGHLY dislike this problem. I feel like a real man now with just how much I sweat working out and the musky, manly smells that come with it. This all caught me off guard unfortunately. I didn’t realize that smells, tastes, smell sensory, and skin issues could change so much. Now I have to have medicated acne scrub and face wipes on hand for when I need them. I also have to take care of my chest and back because of the binder causing acne.  Make sure you wash your binder often for this reason. It is easiest to have multiple binders to rotate through so this becomes less of a hassle.

            The first year of my shots was a progression of new experiences. I would constantly examine myself in the mirror and watch anxiously for the next new change. After the first year my beard was thick enough to see and my body hair had come around as well. My muscles grew bigger and my chest became more muscular and toned; working out helped with muscle growth for sure. I felt more like a man and everyone who met me perceived I was a man; sometimes a gay man but still a man nonetheless. Changes are less noticeable now and have slowed due to certain medical reasons of not being on the shots for a few months but luckily as transmen the changes are permanent regardless if T is in our system or not.

            I am very happy with how the T has treated me and the changes that have occurred overall. I will say that the hair loss and thinning on my head has been a bit sad but the men in my family don’t have too many problems with balding, so I think I’m ok. I haven’t noticed anymore receding hairlines or thinning for a few months so here’s hoping that on my next noticed changed I’ll get to say OMG I Got Another One… See… See… See!