Alone Time and Processing

Imagine for a moment if you will absolute quiet. You’re alone; slowly the bright light dims and soft clouds overhead turn shades of orange and pink among a blue sky; trees creep up and down the rocky cliffs leading down to the river’s edge; the water flows steadily but swiftly as the silt glistens in the sun’s rays. Now, introduce the sound of the water rushing over the rocks and lightly crashing into the shore; now comes the rustling of the leaves as the wind blows through the trees; hear the birds calling out to each other and the small rodents scurrying along the underbrush. Take a deep breath. Smell the fresh air mixed with clay and river water; the pine needles and sap from nearby trees and the crispness of the wind. Breathe in the peace and serenity that surrounds you as you feel the water spray upon your face. This was the highlight of my weekend.

Everyone processes things differently but one absolutely critical part of my life is alone time that is quiet and free from distraction. I have to take time to process most things in my life, and it actually doesn’t take me very long if I have the proper space to do so. The world is a very loud place. We very rarely get to sit alone in peace and quiet without some sort of disturbance from our phones, the radio, TV, internet, jobs, passions, hobbies, traffic, etc. Noise of the world is constantly around us so when I have to process, I usually have to go away and shut off everything. Nature is my way of connecting, grounding, and refreshing. Now, this is just my way of processing. I understand that not everyone needs that and not everyone processes or grieves the same way and not everyone needs it as often, however, this is what I need.

Alone time serves many purposes, and we all need some aspect of it. Some people need a lot more alone time than others; I happen to be one of those people. What makes it difficult is that I also dislike being alone. It has taken about a year for me to get used to having alone time and learning to enjoy it and utilize it. The problem with this is trying to find a healthy balance and helping my friends and loved ones know that my need and comfort level with alone time is changing. I have learned that when it comes to big decisions or changes I need extra alone time; specific alone time if emotions are involved. For example, with the loss of my great granny I needed a lot of alone time in a quiet place with fire. Fire helps ground my soul and allows me to focus on the dancing flames while processing all of my emotions without needing to find something to entertain myself with that distracts my inner thought processing. I needed to mourn the loss, pray, meditate, and let go so I could move on refreshed with the knowledge that this is for the best, and she is finally out of pain.

When I am dealing with things that affect my relationships, romantic or otherwise, I tend to need some light music and time to write out my thoughts and feelings. My journal is my private processing place and has really helped me avoid what could have been disastrous pitfalls. It’s also nice to go back and re-read if I come across the same or similar situations again. When I decided to leave the slope to come work in town I didn’t need much time to process that decision. I needed five minutes alone on the back deck as I smoked a cigarette. Smoking used to be my go-to for process time, and I’m really grateful that is no longer part of my routine. When processing a break up I tend to go for long drives listening to whatever music I find my soul in need of. Music is actually a huge part of my processing routine also. I really feel that my life needs background soundtrack music; it would really make my life complete. I love processing at the gym as well. The gym is great because it gets me active and healthy while giving me the alone time in my head without actually being alone. This is also why I love studying at the library or a coffee shop: I get to have quiet time and think things through in my head without physically having to be alone. 

This past weekend has really resonated with me in my need for alone and processing time. I’m 27 years old, and I’ve been through a lot in life. I have a few mental illnesses that require me to take the time to focus on myself and my needs before other people. I have to stop and think about my own choices, actions, and emotions before I can tackle a problem or major discussion or life change. I don’t like making quick decisions as it often leads to regrets. I need to think about my choices and the consequences associated with those choices. Sometimes I do make quick decisions because that’s what needs to happen but jumping to conclusions and life changing decisions quickly has often proved detrimental; my 14 suicide attempts and many scars from cutting are proof enough alone.

I’m not saying that how other people process and make decisions is wrong by any means, simply that I’m learning more and more about myself and how I cope with the world. Today is going to be my first day back at the gym, and I know that when I have that daily time to process I don’t need as much alone & quiet time for the big stuff. However, I have also started graduate school so that is about to take a lot of my time as well. So to my friends and loved ones, I appreciate all the love and support as I jump into this new adventure and am grateful for your patience as I weave in and out of social life and appearances.