Discovering Self-Love

I am far from perfect. We all have our faults and imperfections, but we’re all worthy of love. We are all worthy of being treated like decent human beings because we are. We are all part of this amazing universe and are divinely created. Whatever your religion or spiritual beliefs are, just go with me. We are all worth more than people give us credit for and worth far more than we believe ourselves to be. Trust me- I know you have doubts about yourself and have those negative self-talks. I’m not dumb. I know. I do it to. It’s part of the human experience, but I’m here to tell you that we can change that.

As many of you know I have been on a journey of dating myself over the last 230 days. It has been a challenge. It has been a crazy whirlwind of emotions, pain, joy, suffering, trauma, enlightenment, friends, food, drinks, job changes, education, doctor visits, working out, reading, sleeping, adventures, bestie time, learning, family, frustrations, prayer, meditation, volunteer work, discoveries, and all sorts of mayhem and magic. This journey started out as one of the loneliest and most painful experiences I have ever been through but now is one of my greatest strengths and joys in my life.

Getting to know myself has been tough. I hated spending time alone especially in silence. I always had to have the TV on or be texting or messaging someone or listening to music. I could not stand the silence and being stuck with my own thoughts. I did not like myself and couldn’t stand what I saw in the mirror. The idea of having to focus on myself was beyond my scope of rational thought. I was raised with the mindset to always take care of others and be of service and make sure that others were taken care of so to turn that inwards was a struggle. It started slowly; a cup of coffee and sitting outside in an attempt to enjoy solitude. My self-care started out involving going out with friends and just spending my own money on myself. Sleeping in and taking naps have been very popular as well but especially in the beginning because it meant I didn’t have to consciously be alone with myself. The change in my thinking and my attitude started around day 164 when I read my past journal entries and decided to write a new entry; write just for myself and spill out all my thoughts, feelings, and emotions without the fear of being judged. I could see my weaknesses and fears reflecting in my words. I could see that I was hurt from all the struggles and lost relationships in my life. I could see that I was incredibly dependent on other people to make me happy, and I decided then and there that I didn’t want to be that way. I wanted to be happy and successful regardless of who was or wasn’t in my life.

My self-care started to take a turn. I started doing things that I actually needed. I got outside even if only for a short while. I started trying to be active and got my butt to the gym as often as I could. I made appointments with doctors and my therapist to start resolving issues I had long been ignoring. I started taking responsibility for my choices, actions, and behaviors- that was tough. It is never fun to have to admit the tough stuff about yourself and to admit that you have control because responsibility sucks. I had to humble myself and realize that I had been lying to myself about my efforts and what I was doing in life then take the steps to change it. I had to change my attitude about my self-care and why I was doing it which was for myself and myself only because I wanted to and because I deserved it. I started looking at the conversations I had with myself and had to put conscious effort into changing the patterns. I had to stop putting myself down for not being where I wanted to be and start lifting myself up and being supportive of myself. I had to start talking to myself as if I loved myself even though I really didn’t. I had to put effort into taking care of my body, my mind, and my spirit while looking deeper into what I truly wanted from life.

I knew that in order to be successful in the changes I wanted to make I would need to set myself up for success. I had no one to blame but myself for my success or failure, and I for once felt and still feel determined to succeed. I downloaded an app to keep track of what I was putting in my body and track my workouts. I downloaded new music to motivate me and improve my mood. I told friends and posted on Facebook what I was doing so that I would also have to hold myself accountable to others which is why I started my Facebook journal of this journey to begin with because I would have stopped after one week if I didn’t have people holding me accountable. Taking responsibility for my own actions, choices, thoughts, and behaviors has been difficult but incredibly rewarding.

My conversations with myself have slowly evolved from self-deprecating to being my own biggest cheerleader. I still have moments when I talk down to myself, but I am able to look deeper into why those thoughts came to my mind and come back with positive affirmations and encouragements. Day 215 was a huge turning point in my journey; it was the first time that I looked in the mirror without having judgments shouting back at me. I could see changes in my body and specifically in my face- I had a genuine smile, and my eyes were glowing. I looked into the mirror and told myself “I love you”, and I meant it with every fiber of my being. I had finally come to learn how to love who I am and to love this body that I reside in. I could feel my love for myself flowing from my heart and embracing me as I started to cry; what a place to have a spiritual and enlightening moment- a men’s public bathroom.

My life has truly transformed in the last 230 days to the point that when my 365 days are up, I will still be continuing down this path of self-care and self-discovery. I have come to know myself more intimately, and I’m discovering so many things about myself that are quite awesome. I’ve actually surprised myself with some things, and I can’t wait to discover even more. In the short time that I’ve found love for myself, I can feel my love for other increase also. I have more patience and am able to accept others as they are without expectation or needing something from them. I am able to simply appreciate who they are without judgment and forgive those in the past who have hurt me. It is an incredibly freeing feeling and experience.

I am far from perfect, and I know I have a long way to go until I am where I would like to be, but life is a journey we take every day, and we have the power to make it what we want it to be. I choose to continue bettering myself and loving who I am because I have discovered a truly amazing man within myself, and he deserves the absolute best that I can give him.