Alaskan Transcendentalist

As a transman, sexuality is often the topic of conversation. People want to know if I’m gay or straight or if I’m a lesbian, and my partner’s sexuality is ALWAYS questioned. It’s like the world finds it strange that people could be attracted to transgender people. It’s a sad reality that sometimes our partners often experience more issues for dating us than we do for simply being trans. Now, I’m all about education but sometimes it can get really old having to defend my sexuality or that of my partner. Why does it even matter? Over the years I’ve dated people with different sexual orientations. I’ve dated lesbians, straight women, bisexual women, pansexual women and gay men; sexually I’ve even been with straight men. Every single partner I’ve been with I have been told, “I’ve never been with a transman before.” Now, some of my encounters were strictly because I was their experiment. It happens. So that begs the question: does who we sleep with determine our sexual orientation? ...

I’d like to start with the disclaimer that the last few months have been the happiest I’ve ever felt in my life. With that said, it makes it all the more important to have the discussion of mental illness and what it is like. When I started my 365 days of dating myself journey I was in a very bad place; I was depressed, anxious, nervous, heartbroken, and lost. Today I find myself thrown back into a tangled mess of depression, anxiety, PTSD, flashbacks, and heartache. Having to go through my divorce at court yesterday was a huge trigger for a lot of feelings, and I could feel myself falling apart. Sitting on the hard, wooden benches waiting for the judge to call us up my mind wandered to my and Cheryl’s wedding day. I could hear “Now That I Found You” by Terri Clark playing in my head as I saw Cheryl walk down the aisle; I saw all our friends and family sitting in the yard and our wedding party at our sides. I saw us on our first dance to “Close Your Eyes” by Michael Buble’ and could f...

Love is a most splendid thing. To love and be loved by another is one of the greatest feelings but what happens when that love changes or ceases to exist? Love is ever changing as are our relationships, and we sometimes fail. Next week I will be a divorced man; my marriage lasting less than a year and honestly lasting less than a month because we have been separated since September 2014 after getting married August 16 th , 2014. A lot went into the decision for getting divorced but the reasons behind the divorce are not what I’m here to talk about. Breakups are always difficult for both parties regardless of who left who and how do you come back from that change? We have this awful habit of talking down to ourselves and wondering what is wrong with us and why are we unlovable and many other irrational questions race through our heads. But what if nothing is wrong with us? Who says that breakups happen because there is something wrong with the individuals in the relationship? Sometim...

Being transgender is never easy. There is a terrible disconnect from one’s body, mind, and spirit that is overwhelming and terrifying. We often deal with other mental illnesses on top of being transgender because of how we are made to feel about ourselves thanks to society’s judgments and expectations of our gender and sexuality. As a transman it is really great to see transgender people and issues coming more into the light of the general society. People like Chaz Bono, Laverne Cox, and Caitlyn Jenner are pushing the envelope and forcing the world to look at us as people and not as a social entertainment experiment. These celebrities have a lot of courage and bravery to have transitioned so publicly and to continue to be loud and proud of who they are: Transgender Individuals. I applaud their bravery and look to them as personal heroes of mine. With that said, however, their experiences are vastly different than the majority of transgender individuals throughout the world, especially...

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I'm a recovering cutter. I'm recovering from years and years of self harm. I have a hard time with the word recovering. I don't feel recovered, and I don't know how to express that I still think about cutting several times a week even though my life is far better than it was in the past when I was cutting on a regular basis. It's not something I can really explain and often it is hard to talk about because there is such stigma around self harm and suicide. Why is it so hard for us to talk about? I wish I knew. I started cutting when I was about 14. I was severely depressed and unable to show my deep sorrow and anger and confusion. I was struggling so much and as I got older the cutting only got worse. When I finally got to college I found better ways to cut that were deeper and caused scars. I cut more often and all over my body, specifically my arms. I would cut during times of high stress or debilitating depression. It became my go-to anytime I needed releas...

There is nothing quite like love to boost the senses and make us feel alive. The excitement of a new romance and the oey goey gush of cuteness and hormones makes our day and holidays are all the more exciting with someone to share them with. We all want these wonderful feelings to continue and blossom into the perfect Disney romance but often we end up hurt or hurting someone else and crying our eyes out to the worst sappy romantic movies while trying not to get the running snot in our popcorn and half gallon carton of ice cream. I have had my fair share of these experiences and absolute heart breaks but what I've learned from them is beyond priceless, and I am able to use that knowledge in my current relationship. I have to admit that while I always thought I was some Prince Charming, I really wasn't that great of a partner, and I'm still far from perfect. Most of my past girlfriends will tell you that I'm super romantic to the point of obsession and that I was se...