Dating Myself

Love is a most splendid thing. To love and be loved by another is one of the greatest feelings but what happens when that love changes or ceases to exist? Love is ever changing as are our relationships, and we sometimes fail. Next week I will be a divorced man; my marriage lasting less than a year and honestly lasting less than a month because we have been separated since September 2014 after getting married August 16^th, 2014. A lot went into the decision for getting divorced but the reasons behind the divorce are not what I’m here to talk about. Breakups are always difficult for both parties regardless of who left who and how do you come back from that change? We have this awful habit of talking down to ourselves and wondering what is wrong with us and why are we unlovable and many other irrational questions race through our heads. But what if nothing is wrong with us?

Who says that breakups happen because there is something wrong with the individuals in the relationship? Sometime people just don’t fit together; that doesn’t mean that there is a fundamental issue that prevents us from being loved or appreciated. Yes, we all have baggage and issues that can add to the problems within a relationship but finding someone who compliments those things within ourselves is possible. We are human beings with faults and shortcomings, and no one is immune to having some sort of weird issue that is brought into a relationship. It’s time to stop looking at ourselves as wrong and unlovable because a relationship didn’t pan out how we had hoped. That doesn’t mean that we can’t grieve for the loss of the relationship, but we need to stop bullying ourselves because it ended.

For the last 138 days I have been on a journey of self-discovery. When I realized that my marriage was headed for a divorce and that I was losing my relationship of 2 years, I got super depressed, and I did not want to be there. I also didn’t want to run into a rebound relationship because been there done that not interested. I knew I needed to find a way to be okay being alone in this life. I finally decided to listen to my good friend Sarha and dedicate a year to being single. I started a journey of truly getting to know myself. 

Every day I set out to prove how much I love and care about myself. This was really difficult at first because I honestly did not love myself. I didn’t like who I was. I’m used to loving other people and doing things for them instead of myself. I had to start simple so on day one I made myself a good cup of coffee. It’s all I could muster. I also started including trying new things and on day six I went to my first yoga class with my friend Becky. It was amazing. I learned that I absolutely love yoga, and it does wonders for my back. Day 14 was difficult because it was the funeral for a dear friend, but I got to take time to honor him and spend time with our friends and see that love is still with me despite my heart being broken. 

Day 56 was realizing that I might dislike being sick and single, but I can survive even the worst sickness by doing things for myself. Day 71 I took myself on a real date to dinner and a fabulous Burlesque show featuring one of my closest friends. Turns out, I’m a romantic fruitloop even when I’m single, and I have every right to dote on myself. Day 100 was another first: I was in my first 5K run. I didn’t actually run, but I did jog and finished in 46 minutes & 38 seconds. It was an amazing experience and was incredibly fulfilling on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. It really helped me see how much I enjoyed being active and working out. I now have actual goals for more races.

Day 121 was full of self-reflection. This was the point in time where I realized I was actually a lot happier being single. I was able to verbalize what I need versus what I want out of a relationship and accept that I deserve those things, and I don’t have to settle. I am worth being loved for who I am, and I deserve to be respected. I need a partner who is honest, respectful, intelligent, kind, and loving. I have made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes because I’m not perfect, and I know my partner will be the same way, but I don’t have to settle for less than what I deserve because I’m afraid of being alone. I was finally able to see just how wonderful being single can be. Now at 138 days I am happy and moving forward with my life with a new appreciation for myself and who I am as an individual. I am enrolled in my Master’s Program through Capella University and start my first class August 10^th. I have an amazing job that I love at the Four A’s. I get to spend time with friends, take myself on dates, workout, spend my own money on myself, pay my own bills and only my bills, and get to take care of my needs and wants.

This journey of mine has allowed me to learn so much about myself and allowed me to take care of myself in ways that I had never imagined I needed. It has truly been the greatest blessing in my life besides my transition. So stop putting yourself down or thinking that something is wrong with you because a relationship didn’t work out. Embrace who you are- flaws and all. Someone out there will love you completely for who you are, and I’m a firm believer that miracles happen when we fall in love with ourselves first.

My life is truly becoming beautiful, and I am so grateful to all those who love and care about me and have been so supportive. I’m coming into my own and possibly even finding romance and love again, but I still have 227 days of focusing on dating myself, so we’ll see where life takes me.