Coming Out Trans

            One of the most difficult things for me as a transman is trying to figure out whom to come out to. I have a hard time keeping secrets and sometimes when I talk about my past I forget to switch pronouns. I think the worst example was talking to someone about growing up Mormon and talking about earning my Women in Excellence Award and how I loved going to Young Women’s and was a leader in all my classes; the person I was talking to kept getting confusing looks on their face and eventually I realized what I had done. I inadvertently came out to some stranger about something very private and personal. In the back of my head I was praying that they didn’t whip out a .38 special and pop me one to leave me dead on the sidewalk. Luckily they just stumbled away towards a bar.

            You would think that I’d have learned by now to keep my mouth shut but nope; in fact, sometimes it is worse. I’ve been so well known in the community, out and proud, that I forget not everyone knows who I am. Even three years after starting at Myrna’s there are still people that have no idea who or what I am. At least at Myrna’s I’m surrounded by friends and family in a safe place but out in public can be a scary thing. Although I have to say that the drunken girls and gay boys that hit on me really make me feel good about myself and my transition. The sad part comes when they find out my package isn’t real and I no longer get… well… you know. Anyways, coming out in public is a big step and not one that every Trans person wants or has to take. I come out if it seems appropriate now just because I’m so well known and have an intense need to educate people that overpower my limited ability to keep secrets. So basically if you want something kept secret, don’t tell me; in that regard I’m still very much female.

            Coming out is a personal choice and should only be done if the individual is okay and comfortable doing so. Most Trans guys I know prefer not to disclose themselves because no one ever questions them. They are very much regular guys just living their lives and for them that is awesome. A lot of them have already had their surgeries and only come out to those they are in a romantic relationship with. I on the other hand am loud, proud, and sometimes obnoxious. I want to educate and volunteer in the GLBTQA community and actively work to change the world! (Because my best friend Kristin is superwoman therefore I feel I can be superman).

            Through the years of my transition I have learned where is more appropriate to come out and where is not. I have had to actively work at holding my tongue and watch what and how I say things. This does not limit me from being who I am or make me a coward but rather ensures that I can be safe and comfortable in any setting and with any group of people. Now coming out is reserved for when I’m meeting someone in the GLBTQA community in a safe environment, in the company of friends who know, and when at home with trusted individuals; although I also do the internet now apparently with posting on my own blog. Oh well, I’m just not out at work or other certain social functions, and I’m quite enjoying it. I like having work and personal separate for once in my life, and I hope to keep it that way. I doubt any of them will see this but if they do, hope you’re okay with that and if not, too bad.

            Coming out to family and friends can be even more frightening than coming out to strangers. I know of one friend who just had to tell someone they were a lesbian so she told some old man at a bus stop one morning. Coming out is scary, but it can be a relief for the soul. Coming out to my family and friends was difficult simply because of the religious aspect of not only their lives, but of mine. I was always so active in church and could give you every missionary lesson they had and make you believe! I was going to go on a mission at 21 and get my degree in dentistry, and get married by 25 and have lots of babies to raise as football players and missionaries. Oh yes, that is who I was supposed to be, and actually wanted to be- well, sort of. I wanted to go on a mission and get a degree, but I wanted to marry a woman and not have kids myself; she could, but I sure wasn’t going to.

            Coming out as a lesbian at 16 was hard enough for my family but coming out as Transgender was going to be a whole different ball game. The funny thing though is it shouldn’t have shocked anybody. Becoming a man was something I talked about on a regular basis. Never the less, my anxiety rocked my emotional boat as I drove on down to Soldotna to tell my family. I had told my brother about a year before that I was thinking about transitioning and started hormones a few months after that but now it was time to come clean. I got my parents around our dinner table the day after I arrived hoping that my nerves would calm down but really they only got worse. I was so emotionally upset that I don’t remember the whole conversation. I remember everyone crying and being confused. There was discussion about the church and that this was going to be a difficult road to take. I felt embarrassed and hurt as I’m sure my parents did. Hearing that your little girl wants to become a man and has already started the process isn’t exactly the happy announcement a parent hopes for, especially when your eternal salvation and eternal family are at stake.

            After our conversation I was so upset that I packed up and left. I was supposed to stay the whole weekend, but I was a wreck and felt guilty and hurt. I couldn’t handle seeing my parents knowing that our relationship would never be the same. Throughout the drive back to Anchorage I contemplated several times on just driving straight off the road and into the ravine. I was depressed for days but it seemed like forever. Eventually my parents have come around, and we are working on building a relationship again. My grandma is an absolute angel and her only response was to give me a hug as I stood there weeping and say, “Guess I’ll just have to get used to calling you my Ash instead of my girl.” My grandma is amazing.

            The thing with coming out is that you never just do it once. It is a lifelong process. The nice part is that it is up to you whom you come out to and when and where.