That Wasn't There!

Being transgender can make it feel like your life is all about how you look and what your body image is. Oh wait, isn’t that most of the world now? As human beings we are constantly looking out for the next big fashion, the next fad diet on how to lose weight, what plastic surgery options there are- well what happened to just loving ourselves? What happened to natural beauty? Who knows, but as someone who is stuck in the middle of the gender war, it is really difficult to figure out “what should I be like?”

            It seems that magazines are always flaunting sexy beach bodies on their covers and then showing someone who might be 10-20 pounds overweight and saying such awful things about them. I’m such a big guy that 20 pounds is nothing. I fluxuate with gaining and losing 20 pounds all the time and no one notices, and I’m okay with that. Once I figured out it was my gender that was the issue, my insecurities about my weight seemed to lift from my shoulders. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to lose weight and be healthy but now it’s more important to me that I get exercise and eat right without obsessing over the fact that I’m not dropping mad weight super quick.

            One of the greatest and funniest conversations I’ve ever witnessed was after a buddy of mine had his top surgery. Once he was up and recovering he was checking himself out in the mirror and gasped in horror… “What is this?!? Oh my gosh I’m so fat!” His partner calmly explained that he had a gut before surgery and went back to doing her own thing. His facial expression alone cracked me up as he turned and shouted, “NO! No, where did this come from?!?! What the hell?!? I wasn’t this fat!” Again his partner calmly stated that he just wasn’t used to his breasts being gone yet. My friend seemed pretty upset at this point, and I was in the corner laughing my ass off at the vast difference between the two lovers. A lot of us bigger guys don’t realize that we might have more fat than we think because our breasts are in the way. Everything is pretty even so we don’t see that our stomachs really poke out just a bit further. The vast difference in how one looks pre and post op can be quite intense for any Trans person but especially for those of us with a bit of a gut.

            All of a sudden we’re self conscious again. Our weight once again or for the first time becomes a serious cosmetic issue. Top surgery is expensive and can range anywhere from $7,000 to $15,000 none of which insurance pays for; although a few insurance companies have made exceptions; but in general, we must pay all of that ourselves. That is a lot of money to spend to get our bodies how we know they were meant to be just to have another cosmetic issue punch us in the face. So what do we do about it? How do we lose weight and get healthy when we’re stuck between the genders? Do we follow advice for men or for women? It’s all very confusing and why I’m not going to tell you what to do. A medical practitioner who is experienced in Transgender issues is always the best way to go. They can help with lots of things including weight loss.

Another issue is that everyone has a different body type. We all have certain aspects about our bodies that function differently. Even within our own families there is variation. For example, my brother and I both grew up with extra weight hitting the mid 200s. My brother looked bigger than I did however because I had all of my weight in my stomach and had lean, muscular arms and legs. My brother looked more like a woman in how he carried his extra weight. I admire my brother and his hard work as he is now a handsome young man less than 200 pounds and is a skinny guy. I don’t think I could ever get that skinny. My brother is built like my mom and I am built like my dad in how we carry our weight. Now tell me that being gay or Trans isn’t a genetic problem- I dare you! So with that, the best thing is to find out what works for you. I’m still searching for what will work for me. When I workout, I bulk up with muscle but my brother burns fat. I have to seriously watch what I eat and limit my calorie intake and what types of calories in order to drop any weight.

I’m somewhat grateful that I haven’t had my top surgery yet. I’m okay with my small breasts being pushed down to form what look like killer pecks, or if I don’t wear my binder somewhere, I just look like I have fatty man boobs. It works for me right now. My goal is to get at least to where I am healthy and a smaller weight before I have my top surgery. I have quite the beer gut and am in no hurry to make it stick out even further. Plus, losing weight before having top surgery can help in the healing process and make results more aesthetically pleasing and reduce the risk of dog ears so no touch up surgeries. I think that cost of a second surgery is motivating me to get back to the gym right now. My problem is that the testosterone makes me crave carbs and starches and makes me have a bigger appetite than before. It’s a bad thing when you’re trying to eat healthier and lose weight.

My suggestion for any transman wanting to drop a few pounds before surgery is talk to your doctor. I’ve come to have a lot of trust and respect for my doctor. She has gotten me on stable medications and has changed my testosterone so that it works better for my body and mental health. We have worked on changing my life habits instead of just telling me to diet and lose weight. Working with my doctor has really changed my life, and I’m grateful to have such a caring person on my team. While I have many goals for my life, one of the biggest is to get out of bed after having my top surgery and looking in the mirror, not to say “Holy crap where did that come from!” but rather whisper, “thank God they’re gone.”