Alaskan Transcendentalist

2015 started with a glimmer of hope. I thought perhaps my marriage would be able to survive when Cheryl showed up at my work to kiss me at midnight. It was a fun and happy new year. However, I was mistaken and Cheryl and I discovered that we just weren't meant to be. Valentines brought the difficult reality that we would cause more harm to each other if we stayed married than if we split up. We decided to go ahead with the divorce which ended up being finalized in July. At the realization that my marriage was over, my friend Sarha challenged me to spend 365 days being single and focusing on myself. I have never done very well on my own and have always been very dependent on having a partner or close friends around. I didn't like myself much and definitely didn't respect myself enough to believe that I deserved to be taken care of or loved. I was at an incredibly low point, and I think all my friends knew it which is why they all knew I needed this. I set out on my new jo

I saw this photo today, and I wish more people understood. I wish I could share my true inner thoughts with more people and have them just get it. I wish people could understand that having rough and bad days is just as important and meaningful as having incredibly fabulous days; they are both beautiful and necessary in life, and we shouldn’t be so judgmental when we see someone’s bad day through their attitude, behavior, or social media posts. We all have bad days, and we all deserve to be authentically ourselves. I am not saying to be a negative Nancy {which, where did that term come from? Did Nancy have a lot of bad days around the office and get called out for it? Was she a pessimist who just could NOT find happiness? And who WAS Nancy?} I’m just saying that we are all capable of having bad days or tough times in our lives and denying those emotions and repressing them will only make them worse in the end. When I post things that are angry, depressing, sad, or even disturbin

I am far from perfect. We all have our faults and imperfections, but we’re all worthy of love. We are all worthy of being treated like decent human beings because we are. We are all part of this amazing universe and are divinely created. Whatever your religion or spiritual beliefs are, just go with me. We are all worth more than people give us credit for and worth far more than we believe ourselves to be. Trust me- I know you have doubts about yourself and have those negative self-talks. I’m not dumb. I know. I do it to. It’s part of the human experience, but I’m here to tell you that we can change that. As many of you know I have been on a journey of dating myself over the last 230 days. It has been a challenge. It has been a crazy whirlwind of emotions, pain, joy, suffering, trauma, enlightenment, friends, food, drinks, job changes, education, doctor visits, working out, reading, sleeping, adventures, bestie time, learning, family, frustrations, prayer, meditation, volunteer work,

I have a decent amount of people tell me how brave and courageous I am for being who I am and going through everything I’ve gone through. I always feel awkward with those kinds of statements. I’m just trying to survive and get through this life as best I can. I don’t do things for praise because it actually makes me uncomfortable. One of my mechanisms is actually turning it around and being negative or changing the subject; for example, if some someone compliments my performances I will often respond with “oh, thanks. I screwed up on the choreography during that second verse but glad you liked it. Oh hey look there’s (insert name here & walk away)”. This was recently brought to my attention when Leeanne challenged me to not speak negatively about myself. I’ve realized that I do speak negatively about myself A LOT, and it’s a difficult cycle to break. I also don’t feel courageous or brave but rather feel like a massive disappointment. I started trying to figure out why I have a dif

Imagine for a moment if you will absolute quiet. You’re alone; slowly the bright light dims and soft clouds overhead turn shades of orange and pink  among  a blue sky; trees creep up and down the rocky cliffs leading down to the river’s edge; the water flows steadily but swiftly as the silt glistens in the sun’s rays. Now, introduce the sound of the water rushing over the rocks and lightly crashing into the shore; now comes the rustling of the leaves as the wind blows through the trees; hear the birds calling out to each other and the small rodents scurrying along the underbrush. Take a deep breath. Smell the fresh air mixed with clay and river water; the pine needles and sap from nearby trees and the crispness of the wind. Breathe in the peace and serenity that surrounds you as you feel the water spray upon your face. This was the highlight of my weekend. Everyone processes things differently but one absolutely critical part of my life is alone time that is quiet and free from

Last night I went to see The Hunting Ground at the Bear Tooth Theatrepub. First off I would like to say that I am now a huge fan of the Bear Tooth Theater. The experience of seeing a movie in comfy chairs while being able to eat real food and have a beer was fantastic. I will most definitely be attending more movie and film events at the Bear Tooth in the future. Now about the film… The Hunting Ground is a film documentary on sexual violence on college campuses, and the event was put on in part by STAR (Standing Together Against Rape). The film follows women who were raped and sexually assaulted during their college careers and who fought for justice. These women were blamed for their assaults and made to feel less than human in their pleas for help. They were interrogated and discouraged from filing claims and reporting especially to the police. The lack of care and concern for these young women by their educational institutions and even local police is abhorrent and caused a mas

Breakups at any age hurt. It doesn’t matter how many you have gone through and if you’re the one who broke it off or the one who was left stunned and blindsided- breakups suck. We trust someone with parts of ourselves and open our hearts just to get hurt and disappointed; even breakups that are for the best hurt when they happen. No one ever goes into a relationship hoping that it will end (but if you are that way please stay very far away from me because my poor little heart is fragile). My point is that we don’t expect any type of relationship to end but sadly it is the cold, hard truth that sometimes they do. While there is suffering and pain, breakups don’t have to be the end of the world. Relationships aren’t a waste of our time and while it sounds  cliche ’ it is far better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all (I don’t know who said that first or where it originated from, but I hate it too; let’s tar and feather them. That will make me feel better). Re

When I was 21 I was blessed with an amazing opportunity to perform at the Friday Night Diva Variety Show at Mad Myrna’s. I performed almost every Friday night for just over three years. I eventually began performing with The Last Frontier Drag Kings and for the last year and a half have been performing with the Midnight Sons Drag Kings. My performing career has been very good to me, and Drag got me started with my transition and made it relatively easy to transition to being Danny full time. Performing has always been a passion for me and a huge emotional and physical release from the stress that is my life. However, things are beginning to change. I love performing, and I love Danny Cockring, but I don’t need it or him anymore like I used to. Danny Cockring was who I wanted to be all the time and I wanted that man’s man persona and the confidence that he had. I needed performing to express myself and to release the negativity from my life. Performing gave me fans and fellow

I did a cutting/scarification at Northern Exposure last weekend. Phoenix B took a scalpel to my right arm and sliced my skin open on top of my tattoo. I now have ‘You say morbid like it’s a bad thing’ carved into my skin. The reactions have been mixed; some are intrigued; some terrified; some freaked out; some think it’s totally  bad-ass  but only one person asked me why I did it. Rather, Phoenix asked me why I WANTED to have it done. It’s both a simple and a complicated answer. I have been a cutter since I was about 13 or 14 years old. The constant dissonance I felt within my soul left a pain that never seemed to go away. My heart ached for a home I never knew, and my soul felt trapped in this physical body that didn’t match who I felt I was. I started cutting because I felt that I needed to punish myself. I didn’t feel worthy of Christ’s Atonement. What kind of sick person is attracted to someone of the same sex? What kind of pervert wants to be a boy if they are a girl? The que