Obstacles

I have a decent amount of people tell me how brave and courageous I am for being who I am and going through everything I’ve gone through. I always feel awkward with those kinds of statements. I’m just trying to survive and get through this life as best I can. I don’t do things for praise because it actually makes me uncomfortable. One of my mechanisms is actually turning it around and being negative or changing the subject; for example, if some someone compliments my performances I will often respond with “oh, thanks. I screwed up on the choreography during that second verse but glad you liked it. Oh hey look there’s (insert name here & walk away)”. This was recently brought to my attention when Leeanne challenged me to not speak negatively about myself. I’ve realized that I do speak negatively about myself A LOT, and it’s a difficult cycle to break. I also don’t feel courageous or brave but rather feel like a massive disappointment. I started trying to figure out why I have a difficult time accepting positive statements about myself especially when it comes to anything dealing with my transition; having to be brutally honest with myself sucks. 

I am not a healthy person. I do try to be, but I’m far from where I need to be. Physically I have a lot going on; I have 3 lower back injuries that will act up at the slightest tweak. Usually it’s just swollen and painful but now and then my nerves get pinched and pain shoots from my back down my legs. My neck injury will do the same thing on occasion and causes shooting pain and body shudders that almost look like mini seizures. It makes every activity painful, and I have to use my cane to walk because my legs will try to give out. What makes it worse is that the original injury was on the right side but years later injured the left so if one side acts up eventually the other will as well. Actually, because of my muscles tensing up it makes my entire back sore with baseball size knots. Chiropractic and massage help, but I’m always broke so accessing those services is rare. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t have some pain in my back, but I’m so used to the chronic typical pain that I can generally ignore it. I am not on pain management for it because it’s too easy for me to pop a pill even when I don’t need it and that is not an addiction I need. I have plenty of others. I’m also diabetic, severely overweight at a BMI of 39, and suffer from high blood pressure and high cholesterol; I have gastro internal issues and medications that make me nauseated; I have brain damage to my frontal lobe and chronic issues with my sleeping pattern and energy levels; I also suffer from polycystic ovarian syndrome and endometriosis which cause a lot of pain when one of the cysts decides to pop, and it happens more often than I would like. My joints are confused about my age and like to act up often, especially in the cold; my wrist still has not fully healed from a surgery and gets sore and tired very quickly which is why I don’t hand write anything or lift as much weight as I could. 

It would be silly of me not to mention the obvious aspect that I am transgender and have physical issues associated with that as well. Unfortunately, all these things often make me miss a lot of work, school, and other responsibilities and fun. Getting out of bed each day is a physical chore. I move slowly upon waking up, and it takes me a few hours to actually wake up after I’m up. I really don’t know how people who suffer from more than I do function on a daily basis. I’m amazed that I do as well as I do.

I suffer from what feels like a large tangled web of mental health issues because many of them have physical manifestations which make my already compromised physical health even worse. I have anxiety in two forms: social anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Most of the time my anxiety is manageable, and I can cope but occasionally I will have massive panic attacks that steal all my energy and leave me exhausted. I can’t breathe; my body tenses up; I get light headed; my heart rate increases, and I start sweating. It’s a very uncomfortable experience, but I’m lucky that I have a few friends who know what to do for me if it occurs when I’m with them. Dez is my hero when she’s around for them. If I could afford to have her as my personal support staff I wouldn’t go anywhere without her and because she’s human (mostly) I wouldn’t have to worry about her being denied entry (except for maybe the men’s room). Not sure how I got so lucky to have such an amazing bestie, but I’m grateful I did.

Depression has always been something I have struggled with. Part of what makes my depression difficult to deal with is that I do not respond well to medications. I’ve tried approximately ten different anti-depressant medications over my lifetime and they tend to make my symptoms worse. The last five suicide attempts I’ve had, the last 4 being the most severe, 2 requiring hospitalization, occurred while on an anti-depressant. I’ve stopped trying to control it with meds. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a relatively new diagnosis for me but one that came with a lot of answers. My inability to focus and concentrate on things has been a large struggle in school. College was especially difficult, and I’m incredibly grateful to now have medications for this, and I’m starting to see some positive results although I’m sure it will take some time to nail down the correct dosage and type for optimal functioning. Trichotillomania is an impulse disorder that causes me to pull out my hair. In middle school I almost had no eyebrows because I just kept plucking them. This is actually a source of anxiety for me too because with the transition I have WAY more hair and will lose so much time in the bathroom plucking but if I try to stop and still have an ingrown hair or irritated follicle or a shorter or thicker or darker hair compared to the rest I get anxious and fidgety and eventually make my way back to the bathroom to pull it. I recently discovered that my mother also suffered from this in her younger years, so I’m hoping it will go away or at least become less intense. 

Being transgender and dealing with gender and body Dysphoria make my other mental illnesses worse. It’s interesting how everything is so intertwined. I constantly think about gender; it’s never not on my mind. I cannot emphasis just how lucky cisgender people are to not have to think about it. Everything I do and say is analyzed in my head. From the way I walk, talk, interact, what I watch, what I read, how I react, what I wear, what I drive, how I have sex, who I have sex with, every interaction with another human being especially children, using the bathroom or locker room, what I do at the gym, my writing, my song choices, singing in the car, how I position myself when sitting or driving or standing, literally EVERYTHING is analyzed in my head during or before it happens. It is incredibly exhausting and full of anxiety.

My coping mechanisms have never been very healthy either. I’m addicted to cutting myself. It’s been my comfort since I was 12. I need to feel the pain, see the blood, and experience the release. It’s like there’s a huge pressure building up in my body and when I cut, the pressure is released and fizzes out of me. I also self-medicate with alcohol. I don’t drink every day or get black out drunk every week, but I struggle to control my social drinking, and I drink more often than I should and for the wrong reasons. There are times in my life where alcohol has interfered with my work and schooling, and it’s always a factor in my suicide attempts. It has also caused issues in my relationships and been a factor in two of my sexual assaults. Drinking has been my main coping mechanism when it comes to being in pain or being triggered, especially when I write. I don’t work on my book as often as I would like because I am a very detailed individual and having to relive so many traumatic experiences and feelings is incredibly difficult and inhibiting to my functionality. I am at a point where I cannot work on my book without alcohol. It doesn’t have to be a lot, but I have to have a drink, and it’s usually whiskey. I have been truly amazed at some of my writing when I go back to edit sober to the point that I forget I’m reading something that I wrote. Performing is another trigger for my drinking. I have a difficult time relaxing and calming my anxiety for performing but can’t take anti-anxiety meds because it will put me to sleep, and I need energy to perform, so I drink. Plus, being out with “the guys” and doin our thing… really easy to put back a few too many drinks. It’s easily understandable why so many artists use drugs and alcohol for their creative processes, but I also know that I need to control it which is why I’m going to be taking steps to stop drinking which sadly includes a halt in performing.

Technology is another big addiction for me. I am addicted to my phone and the constant stimulation of having something to do and of being connected. TV and movies have always been a coping mechanism to not feel lonely, and I will watch my favorite shows over and over again just to feel like I am engaging with friends without actually having to leave my room. This is especially the case when going through a break up.

I didn’t write this to complain about my life or to gain sympathy from anyone. After having to look at all the obstacles I deal with on a daily basis I’m finally starting to understand that actually I am brave. I am courageous. I put myself and my knowledge and experiences out there because I want to help people. I get up and out of bed every day despite all the things I have going on, and I make something of my day. I am continuing to push forward and am working on bettering myself every day. I have strengths, talents, and goals in this life that I’m developing. I am strong enough to admit that I struggle, and I have problems and addictions; I’m also strong enough to turn those struggles and weaknesses into strengths. It’s going to take time, but I haven’t broken yet, and I no longer plan to.