Mental Illness Episodes

I’d like to start with the disclaimer that the last few months have been the happiest I’ve ever felt in my life. With that said, it makes it all the more important to have the discussion of mental illness and what it is like. When I started my 365 days of dating myself journey I was in a very bad place; I was depressed, anxious, nervous, heartbroken, and lost. Today I find myself thrown back into a tangled mess of depression, anxiety, PTSD, flashbacks, and heartache. Having to go through my divorce at court yesterday was a huge trigger for a lot of feelings, and I could feel myself falling apart. Sitting on the hard, wooden benches waiting for the judge to call us up my mind wandered to my and Cheryl’s wedding day. I could hear “Now That I Found You” by Terri Clark playing in my head as I saw Cheryl walk down the aisle; I saw all our friends and family sitting in the yard and our wedding party at our sides. I saw us on our first dance to “Close Your Eyes” by Michael Buble’ and could feel her kiss against my lips as the judge called our names to come forward. I was snapped back to reality with tears in my eyes realizing that my marriage truly has failed and there was no redeeming it. I tried to hold back the tears through the proceeding but inside I was drowning and by the time I got back to my truck afterwards, I lost it.

I spent the night with good friends who were kind enough to make me a nutritious and delicious dinner and give me two glasses of wine while letting me lay on their couch and do nothing. I felt so incredibly numb that I was gasping for breath occasionally because I didn’t know if I was breathing. When bedtime came is when the nightmares started and the anxiety and PTSD took over. I curled up into a ball with my head on my pillow and was so exhausted that I started to drift off to sleep but vivid flashbacks started not long after closing my eyes; flashbacks of our fights; the cheating; the stress; the losses; I felt sick to my stomach and could feel the anxiety pulsing through my veins. My muscles started to tense up and cramp, and I couldn’t find any comfortable position to stop it. I tried to sleep but woke up in panic attacks gasping for breath. By morning time I was beyond exhausted; just getting up to go to the bathroom took every ounce of energy I had. I collapsed back in bed and called in sick to work for the first half of the day. I had nothing.

By the time I had to get up and get ready to go into work, I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I had to muster up energy just to get ready for work. Normally a shower would wake me up and help me feel better, but today it was stinging my skin. It physically hurt to be in the shower. Getting dressed was like tying weights to my body. My shirt hangs on my body like 100 pounds of flour. My footsteps make me feel like a zombie because I just don’t have the energy to pick my feet up. My back feels like an unsteady brick wall that could be destroyed with one solid kick. My neck is desperately trying to hold my head up but crumbles under the strain. Every keystroke of the keyboard feels like I’ve bench pressed 50 pounds. My muscles are sore and weak; my eyelids are heavy, and my brain is a chaotic mess that can’t focus on anything. These are all physical symptoms of being depressed, anxious, and suffering from PTSD. 

Mental illness is never fun to deal with. It’s especially difficult for those of us who suffer from more than one disorder. Sometimes we just have to do our best to get out the door and if we need a sick day to try and recover then that’s what we need. Everyone is different but mental illness is a real thing and not easy to cope with. Please don’t judge us; we just want to feel better.