I Am Exhausted

            It is exhausting CONSTANTLY having to fight for my right to exist. It is exhausting having to explain myself, who I am, and why I am this way. I am a human being, and I deserve to have basic respect and some basic human dignity. I am not some freak show for you to laugh at or some scientific experiment gone wrong. I am not yours to gawk at or comment on. I am not something to make laws against. I am a human being with feelings, a life, and a purpose. I have something to offer this world; just because you don't see it does not mean I am not worthy of living a life I am happy with.

            Being transgender is a difficult reality. I handle it well now and have created a pretty incredible life that I am mostly happy with, but it came with so many struggles that no amount of blogs, interviews, books, or podcasts could possibly give you a full picture of what I have gone through. Being transgender is simultaneously the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. The worst because it is expensive; your mind and body go through hell with hormones and surgeries; I have been discriminated against; I have been sexually assaulted and raped more that once; I have been lonely; I have been beaten up several times; I have been denied employment, relationships, housing, and medical attention because I am transgender; I have had to fight politically just for the right to exist. There are so many reasons why being transgender has been the absolute worst thing that could have happened to me. However, I would take all of that and more to continue being transgender because the things I have witnessed and learned have made me a better person overall.

         

As a transman, I have the experience of being female and male in a world that does not find value in women and femininity. I know the struggle, and I am able to treat my partners with love, respect, value, and dignity in ways that biological men just can't. I understand what it is like to feel powerless, have lower wages, and suffer from monthly menstrual cycles including endometriosis and poly-cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) among other aspects of being female. I have the knowledge and experience of what females go through in life, and it makes me a better partner knowing these things- just ask my partner. I also have a softer side to masculinity that is not always threatened by the macho man. At times I have been intimidated, but I have grown through the years to understand and embrace the teddy bear in me. I am not afraid to be dominant, powerful, and yes, a solid mass of muscle. I am also not afraid to be vulnerable, weak, emotional, or compassionate. Gender stereotypes have no claim on me as a transman, and I enjoy challenging said stereotypes. I have even done drag both as a Drag King and a Drag Queen; both are a stimulating experience of fun and emotional expression.

        

    Besides breaking down barrier walls to stereotypes, I have also learned a great deal about humanity, compassion, hard work, dedication, loneliness, community service, homelessness, and the many conditions of human experiences; far more than I could ever cover in a single blog. Being transgender has forced me to see the many conditions we face as human beings. I may be considered a white, privileged passing male, but I still see the discrimination against those who are different and less fortunate. I see the hate. I see the anger. I see the fear. I see the unlawful actions. I see the pain. I see the hurt. I see the frustration with a broken system. I SEE! My blinders have been taken off, and I can see what the rest of the world tries to ignore because let's face it, change is difficult; accepting a different reality is difficult; accepting that we are not the center of the universe is difficult. Well guess what, that's okay! It's okay that it is difficult. No one is asking you to be perfect- only to try and be compassionate.

   I know that transgender people can be scary and confusing for most. I totally get it, and you know what, that is okay. We understand that new concepts can be terrifying and not knowing about us can make it worse. I totally understand. However, trying to ban us from bathrooms or deny us healthcare or demeaning our existence is NOT okay. We are people- just like you. We are human- just like you. We have hearts- hopefully just like you. We are creative, talented, determined, hard working, intelligent, spiritual, political, studious, caring, loving people- just like you. We have families, friends, careers, hobbies, spiritual/religious affiliations- just like you. There is no reason to fear us. Have a question? Research online or get to know your local gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning, and ally community so you can talk with them. Heck, come talk to me. I am as open as they come. T he point is to learn instead of remaining ignorant and hateful. I guarantee that we have some common ground. I am not out to get you. I have a TON going on in my life outside of you: graduate school for mental health counseling, an incredibly loving relationship, family responsibilities, community service/volunteering, performing/acting, hobbies, spiritual affiliation, self-care, and unfortunately trying to protect my right just to exist and use a freakin bathroom.

Transgender individuals have enough going on in their lives without trying to fight a bathroom bill that is unenforceable, unwarranted, financially irresponsible, ridiculous, preposterous, and all around impractical. Most of us are too afraid to use public bathrooms as it is since we're the ones who face harassment in the bathrooms on a daily basis. If there is a private or family bathroom available at a business, I use it. I was beaten up multiple times in the women's room before I even started transitioning because I looked so masculine without hormones. This is not okay! I am no threat to anyone. I am a big teddy bear who will defend the rights of women and children until I die. Every single transgender person I know is the exact same way. Many of them have families and children of their own. We don't want anyone hurt or uncomfortable. We literally just want to live our lives in peace and be able to go pee when we need to. How is this even an issue?

Vote NO on Prop 1 April 3rd