Coming Out- It's a Personal Thing

            Coming out- it's a pretty big deal. There are a lot of emotions surrounding coming out and a lot of factors that go into the decision to come out; factors such as age, family situation, political climate, work or school environment, religious affiliation, living situation, personal preference, etc. Coming out is a very personal choice and experience but unlike what some people think, it doesn't happen just once. I have been coming out constantly since I was 17 due to my identity having more words to describe who I am and the progression of my transition status as well as coming out in a variety of settings such as classrooms, new medical providers, potential romantic encounters, and public speaking opportunities. While I am very out and open about being transgender, every time I come out, it is my choice and my choice alone. I am not obligated to come out in a situation even if I have come out many times before.

            Sadly our safety is of great concern when facing the decision to come out. If everyone had an open-hearted, safe, loving, accepting support system we wouldn't have the need for metaphorical closets, but that is not the case in today's society. Our current political climate should be enough of a picture for anyone who has yet to understand this. The most important thing you can do if someone comes out to you, is to keep it to yourself unless that person tells you otherwise. Perhaps they want to come out to friends or family but their job would be at risk if their employer found out. Perhaps they would get bullied at school or have their family disown them. We do not know everyone's situation and maintaining their confidence is the first key in being their friend and ally. Even for myself with being out publically, I do not come out in certain situations or to certain individuals because it could negatively impact my safety or it is simply inappropriate to discuss in that situation. My friends know that they can talk about me using my first name but anything further needs to be asked about.

            Coming out can refer to a multitude of identities and all of them need to be respected: sexuality, gender identity, mental health diagnoses, relationship orientation (monogamous vs. polyamorous), relationship dynamics (BDSM, D/S), health conditions/disability, etc. Having someone come out to you means that they trust you with that information which is a huge deal. It is best to always err on the side of caution and keep it to yourself when someone comes out to you. Also, remember that everyone has their own unique coming out experience/story so don't assume you know another person's experience just because you have heard other stories or have experienced your own.

            I have several coming out stories, but I tend not to focus on them as quite a few are painful memories. However, I can tell you that currently I identify as a Pansexual Hetero-romantic Monogamous Mormon Transman. Now what does all that mean? Allow me to explain...

Pansexual- my sexual orientation. I am attracted to beautiful people regardless of their gender, gender identity, or gender expression. I have found myself incredibly attracted to multiple drag queens over the last eight years, and I am not ashamed to admit it. Pansexual is similar to bisexual in that in encompasses both male and female attractions but opens up the door for attractions to individuals who are transgender, gender non-comforming, and gender fluid. My sexual attraction does not change based on who I am currently dating or who I have dated in the past.

Hetero-romantic- my romantic orientation of being a man romantically interested in women. I may be sexually attracted to people of all gender identities, but I find myself consistently more romantically intimate and attracted, physically and emotionally, to biological women. This has more to do with my long-term relationships and who I choose to share my life with than who I sleep with. I can enjoy having sex with men, regardless of their sexual orientation, but I cannot handle or enjoy being in a relationship with one. Not everyone has this aspect of their identity set or even know what they would identify as. I know that I am more myself when I am in a relationship with a biological woman. I'm sure this has something to do with having grown up female, so I understand biological women a whole lot more than any other gender/gender identity.

Monogamous- my relationship orientation. I am a one woman kind of guy. I have been in monogamous relationships, open relationships, and polyamorous relationships, and I am most comfortable and natural in monogamous relationships. There are pros and cons to each relationship orientation, and everyone has to determine what works best for them. I personally just prefer monogamy, but my partner knows that should the need arise, we can discuss this aspect of our relationship openly without fear of judgment or anger.

Mormon- my religious/spiritual orientation. Why do I include this? Well, many in our community abandon their spirituality due to religious persecution, and I am here to tell you that it does not have to be that way. Just because we are different does not mean we are not spiritual beings. We have a right to continue with our religious/spiritual practices or to seek out new beliefs/practices that better fit us. I was born and raised Mormon which I still maintain my beliefs although not to the letter. My experiences have taught me that there is much we do not know, and I am not a stickler on following rules but rather am dedicated to bettering myself as a person, bettering my community, and connecting with a power greater than myself. Spiritual/religious affiliation can be a large part of one's identity, and we should not negate this aspect because of other life identities.

Transman- my gender identity. Many people have asked me why I don't just identify as male, especially since I look like a biological male. While I appreciate being seen as male, and I use male pronouns, I truly identify as a transman because that is my experience in this life. I was perceived as female at birth therefore raised as such until I was able to learn the language to express my true identity of male. However, having had both female and male experiences and not seeking out bottom surgery, I am most comfortable identifying as a transman.

            There are many aspects to a person's identity and no one can put those labels on us. It is up to us to discover who we are, what we want to be called, and who we want to know about it. So in all the many ways that we come out and embrace ourselves, Happy National Coming Out Day!