Hysterectomy Humor and Blues

            I have been wanting a hysterectomy since I got my first period. It wasn't the normal hate for periods that most pubescent girls experience but rather a loathsome fury that spread throughout my entire being- I was entering womanhood and nothing could have been worse, especially since I am a dude.

            Sadly transmen still get their periods and while testosterone can stop menstruation or at least make it less intense, it is still a tragic fact of life. There were several incidences where I had to leave school or work because I randomly started bleeding even after being on hormone therapy for several years. I wanted a hysterectomy badly and in 2012 I thought I had my chance. Long story short- I had an exploratory surgery where the doctor removed part of my equipment, but insurance refused to pay for a hysterectomy even though I had PCOS and Endometriosis that caused a lot of pain. They were insistent that I would change my mind about this "whole transgender thing" and someday I would want children; no one has ever been so wrong about me. Just sayin.   

            Fast forward to summer 2016- I was working with an amazing provider who helped me apply for Medicaid since I was unemployed and once that went through, she sent me to an OBGYN to see about getting a hysterectomy. Now as most men will tell you, one of the most awkward feelings is having to walk into a female only space as a man; it's even worse for transmen who actually have to have that service. I could feel my face turning red as I walked into the office and approached the front desk. My appointment with the surgeon was only slightly better but at least I was in a private room away from the lobby. The surgeon and her staff were really nice to me and appeared to have some idea of how to handle a transman. They all worked incredibly hard on my case and with the insurance company to get a hysterectomy and a labiaplasty covered which paid off. The surgery was set for October 15th at Providence Hospital.

           At this point in time some personal issues led me to moving in with my girlfriend after only two weeks of officially going out- talk about your U-Haul dating- although we had been hanging out and getting to know each other for about 10 months prior. Liz, my girlfriend, said she would take care of me and help me through this process, and I was grateful for all the support I could get. The morning of surgery we went to the hospital and checked in. Liz helped keep me sane as I prepared for this massive change inside and outside of my body. I had no doubts about what I wanted but was ready for the surgery aspect to be over. I spoke with all the important people to review what was going to be done, and I was surprised at the level of kindness by hospital staff. No one misgendered me or made me feel uncomfortable despite it being an uncomfortable situation. I kissed Liz goodbye as they wheeled me away to finally get my insides ripped out. HALLELUJAH!!!! 

           Waking up is generally the worst part of my day as is but this wake up was the absolute worst I have ever experienced. I felt horrible pain in my genital, pelvis and abdominal regions with a twinge in my lower back. My throat was dry, and I was blind without my glasses. For a moment I thought I had woken up during the surgery but luckily I was just in recovery with a loopy mind. I asked for more pain meds and for Liz as the pain was excruciating, and I needed some serious comfort. I barely got the first request. I spent several hours in recovery before being wheeled to my room as we had to stay overnight. I could not get ahead of the pain; it hurt to move in any way, shape, or form. The nurses said they were giving me the maximum dosage they could as often as they could but nothing touched the pain. I eventually discovered that using the bathroom was the worst idea ever, and it sent my pain level skyrocketing! Morphine only made me nauseated without any pain relief so I laid there in agony and boredom until the following day when friends came to visit; then I was only in agony. 

        

   The pain probably wouldn't have been so bad if I only had the full hysterectomy (removal of the uterus and cervix) with bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy (removal of fallopian tubes and ovaries). However, I also had a labiaplasty, commonly known as a labial shave, which is the removal of the labial skin in the genital region. My surgeon removed the inner labia and exposed more of my enlarged clitoris; this was where the majority of the pain radiated from. I had to have help from Liz in order to even look at what was going on down there, and it was terrifying to see; I had stitching on both sides of my labia from my vaginal opening that went up and around the skin above my clitoris. Everything was swollen, and I was regretting my decision to have that done. It hurt to use the bathroom, to sit, to walk, to shower, to lay in any position but on my back (I'm a side sleeper), and even to adjust my gown or blanket. The only relief was one of the nurses bringing me extra sugar-free popsicles at every opportunity because she felt bad for me.

            Going home was not much fun either; a car ride has never been so incredibly painful. It didn't help that I wasn't going to my home but rather was going to Liz's dad's house which is where we were now living, and this was my first night there- after major surgery. I was so anxious on top of being in pain that I am sure Liz just wanted to hit me upside the head to knock me out. She was loving and patient with me though and got me upstairs into the comfy leather recliner, put on season one of Game of Thrones (my friend Josh loaned me all 6 seasons for my recovery time), got me some Jell-O, watered me, and gave me my pain pills. Liz was with me 24/7 for the first three weeks of my recovery as she was between jobs, and it was the greatest blessing I could have asked for outside of the pain going away. She catered to my every need and did extra research to figure out how to make me feel better. She had to help me get up, sit down, use the bathroom, lay down, walk, and bathe. She would sit on the edge of the tub lightly rubbing my shoulders while I used the bathroom because the pain was so intense that I would sob uncontrollably, and her presence was the only comfort I had. We crossed many boundaries in the first few weeks of our relationship that many couples probably never consider. She has seen me at my very worst and weakest point. Once I was able to move a bit she let me pick out a new bed for us that she paid for. She only had a twin bed at the time and two bigger adults trying to sleep on that was hilarious and painful. We actually had to put air mattresses on the floor to sleep on because I couldn't get in or out of bed due to the stitches. Liz helped me clean my incision areas and took pictures for me so I could see the healing and pinpoint the painful areas to show my doctor at my follow ups. She even got me pot because pharmaceuticals made me sick and barely helped the pain. Pot took away all my pain, helped my anxiety, and helped me sleep through the night in ways that other medications couldn't even compare. Liz helped me through it all. She was a trooper, and I fell madly in love with her in a way I have never loved anyone before. 

             The recovery process took far longer than my surgeon said it would. Being diabetic made the healing process go incredibly slow, and I felt impatient to say the least. Some of my stitches had to be cut out early because they would partially dissolve then snag on another stitch causing sharp pain that kept me from walking. We found that ice helped the pain and swelling but unfortunately we didn't have an icepack which led to using "coochy corn"; we used what we had. Liz also learned about sitz baths which is a shallow bowl filled with warm water that cleans the genital area. Once we started doing this on a daily basis it really helped foster the healing process. I had to do this for about 8-9 weeks. I still had occasional pain and discomfort for five months after surgery; some of which was associated with sexual intimacy.

             Sex was greatly impacted by the surgery. Liz and I couldn't do anything more than cuddle for 9 weeks. It was difficult to resist the temptation, but my body couldn't handle it. Once I got the go-ahead from my surgeon, we were all about trying out my new pussy. Unfortunately there were still some issues and often we had to stop due to pain. The few times I was able to continue though were pretty amazing. I had new sensations in my skin and in the newly exposed areas of my clitoris. I also didn't have the throbbing pain when experiencing penetration like I had before surgery. Once my body was fully healed our sex life took off like a racehorse and is still going strong. Sex happens 5-10 times a week which is incredible for me as my past has been pretty disappointing in regards to my sex life.

             Looking back I can't say if I would go through the labiaplasty again as it was excruciatingly painful, but I would have the full hysterectomy with bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy again in a heartbeat. It has made my life easier with less pain and worry. My testosterone dosage hasn't changed, but I don't have some of the side effect issues I had prior to my hysterectomy. I feel more masculine in my day to day life and don't have the constant anxiety about starting my period randomly. My sex life is more fulfilling, my confidence is up, my depression is down, I got to know Liz intimately quite quickly, and I have grown in my love and appreciation for the wonderful woman that she is. 

              If you are seeking a hysterectomy, make sure you do your research on your surgeon, after care, and pain relief options. It is also incredibly helpful to have someone with you before, during, and after surgery whom you are comfortable with. Most important though- make sure this is what YOU want for YOU and not something you are doing for someone else or because you think you should. This procedure will change your body and your life; be sure you are ready for it.