Cutting... an addiction
I'm a recovering cutter. I'm recovering from years and years of
self harm. I have a hard time with the word recovering. I don't feel
recovered, and I don't know how to express that I still think about
cutting several times a week even though my life is far better than
it was in the past when I was cutting on a regular basis. It's not
something I can really explain and often it is hard to talk about
because there is such stigma around self harm and suicide. Why is it
so hard for us to talk about? I wish I knew.
I started cutting when I was about 14. I was severely depressed
and unable to show my deep sorrow and anger and confusion. I was
struggling so much and as I got older the cutting only got worse.
When I finally got to college I found better ways to cut that were
deeper and caused scars. I cut more often and all over my body,
specifically my arms. I would cut during times of high stress or
debilitating depression. It became my go-to anytime I needed release
regardless of the emotion behind it. I craved the rush of the high
and the physical relief. I craved the sight and smell of the blood
flowing from my veins. I would feel calm and at peace when I would
cut. It was as addicting as any drug. I just couldn't stop.
I have many scars on my arms, wrists, and chest from all the times I cut. A lot of the time I did superficial cuts so as not to leave scars but during the really bad times... cuts were deep and left my body covered in scars. Not a day goes by that I don't look at my scars and touch them. I caress my scars on a daily basis as if to relive the experience. I try to remind myself why I no longer cut but every now and then I ache to feel the razor blade against my skin, pressing deep against me and moving slowly across my body to release the blood. I picture the blood flowing and running down my arm in large beads leaving a trail of red on my skin. To many people this may seem upsetting and disturbing but for me it is calming and peaceful. It's euphoric.
Self-harm is truly an addiction, and I'm not sure how to remain “sober”. It might sound horrible but while it is self-mutilation, for us, it's almost a form of self-care. It's a way to manage our emotions and bring peace to our minds. It's a release of physical and emotional stress and pain. It's not for attention. It's not because we want to die (although it can be a warning sign of suicide). It's just how we learned to cope in a world that doesn't understand us and frankly is too busy to care.
I can't say that I will never cut again. Honestly I would be shocked if I never put a razor blade against my skin and bled again. I just know that it's not something I want to do and be addicted to. I don't know how to stop the mental craving and physical ache that makes me want to cut just as the recovering drug addict never truly stops craving their drug of choice- we just learn to cope without it.
Know someone who self-harms? Don't make them feel guilty for it. They're not sick; they just have a different way of coping with the world around them. I recommend professional counseling and trying out different coping mechanisms to see what works for that person. But the worst thing you can do is make them feel like they are a horrible person because they cut. Addictions aren't easy to deal with and overcome- it takes work- even 4 years later...
I have many scars on my arms, wrists, and chest from all the times I cut. A lot of the time I did superficial cuts so as not to leave scars but during the really bad times... cuts were deep and left my body covered in scars. Not a day goes by that I don't look at my scars and touch them. I caress my scars on a daily basis as if to relive the experience. I try to remind myself why I no longer cut but every now and then I ache to feel the razor blade against my skin, pressing deep against me and moving slowly across my body to release the blood. I picture the blood flowing and running down my arm in large beads leaving a trail of red on my skin. To many people this may seem upsetting and disturbing but for me it is calming and peaceful. It's euphoric.
Self-harm is truly an addiction, and I'm not sure how to remain “sober”. It might sound horrible but while it is self-mutilation, for us, it's almost a form of self-care. It's a way to manage our emotions and bring peace to our minds. It's a release of physical and emotional stress and pain. It's not for attention. It's not because we want to die (although it can be a warning sign of suicide). It's just how we learned to cope in a world that doesn't understand us and frankly is too busy to care.
I can't say that I will never cut again. Honestly I would be shocked if I never put a razor blade against my skin and bled again. I just know that it's not something I want to do and be addicted to. I don't know how to stop the mental craving and physical ache that makes me want to cut just as the recovering drug addict never truly stops craving their drug of choice- we just learn to cope without it.
Know someone who self-harms? Don't make them feel guilty for it. They're not sick; they just have a different way of coping with the world around them. I recommend professional counseling and trying out different coping mechanisms to see what works for that person. But the worst thing you can do is make them feel like they are a horrible person because they cut. Addictions aren't easy to deal with and overcome- it takes work- even 4 years later...
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