Bathroom Blues

Let’s talk bathrooms; yes I know it’s a bit gross and maybe a bit unnerving but it’s time.

            Often I have people ask me if there is anything I miss about being female. I only have one answer and even that is a bit of a no. My answer you ask… the women’s restroom. Now, I suffered a lot of abuse from other women when I would use public restrooms and often had security called on me and had a few purses knock me around, but the women’s restroom GENERALLY is much cleaner and better smelling than the men’s room. This is what I miss about being female.

 

            So what is it about the men’s room that is so bad? You would think that having a hose you can aim would help all that nasty urine end up in the toilet but NO! There is more piss all over the toilets, urinals, and the FLOOR than you would ever believe. I have to clean the toilet every time I go into a men’s room because there is always something on it be it piss, dirt or otherwise…

            The men’s room also has lots of graffiti. For most macho men being so homophobic, there are a lot of gay references and talk of anal sex and blowjobs all over the stalls which leads me to believe that even men have a spectrum on the Kinsey Sexuality scale. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen more penises on bathroom walls than I have watching gay porn. - And I watch quite a bit of hunky man lovin. Anyways, what is the obsession with needing to vandalize public bathrooms? I could stand to go do my business without looking at permanent marker scratches and reading names, phone numbers, and homophobic dick jokes.

            Flushing. I’m sure at some point we all learned that after you do your business you flush. The issue is that many men seem to forget this step. It’s disgusting people. Yes we all have to take a shit now and then but really, I don’t want to see it. Let’s also realize that this is a huge part in why the men’s room smells so awful. I don’t need spring time lilies with the hint of morning dew, but it would be nice to go into the restroom and not gag or toss my lunch.

            Washing. I can’t tell you how many men DON’T wash their hands after using the bathroom. This fact alone makes me squirm and want to crazy with Lysol. I can’t handle the idea of touching a handle after some dude just diddled his twinkie with his hand and opened the door having not washed. Sorry guys but I don’t want your dick cheese anywhere near me. EWW! Why can’t we have automatic door buttons on the ground that I can step on so I don’t have to touch the nasty door handle? I always use a paper towel to open the door when available but not everywhere has them. Stupid air dryers don’t even dry my hands never the less help keep bacteria away so I say just get rid of the damn things. Personally I like restrooms that you just walk around a corner to get into instead of opening a door. I feel much less dirty afterwards.

Lastly, conversation generally doesn’t happen in the men’s room. I like that. I always hated when women would start talking to me. Just because we share the same space doesn’t mean that I’m obligated to talk to you- especially when I do not know you. I really didn’t like it because it was usually, “Oh my gawd you’re in the wrong bathroom!” To which my response would always be “I’m a girl” in my highest and most girly voice. Ugh gag me. Anyways, it freaks me out when guys try to start conversation in the restroom. This is totally against male code here. Do you know how long it took me to learn all this male code shit?!?!?!? Don’t go trying to change it and confuse me. I know I look and sometimes act gay but even so, the men’s room is NOT where you can pick me up. Please learn to have some class.

So let’s go over the differences one last time shall we?

Women’s Room Positives:

Clean

No gag me smell

Toilet seat & floor typically urine free

Full Soap & Towels

Full toilet paper roll

Most ladies wash their hands afterwards

Women’s Room Negatives:

Taking forever in front of sink and mirror to fix hair & make up

Awkward conversation & eye contact

Men’s Room Positives:

Quick in, out, done!

Typically no awkward conversations

Men’s Room Negatives:

Dirty floors, toilets, & sinks

Awful gag me smell

Always out of soap, towels, or TP

Too many men don’t wash their hands

Get hit on by ugly dudes